WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
