I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
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The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
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Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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