I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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