Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
