The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Randomize
