so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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