Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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