I hope my margaritas pass through security.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
