easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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