before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
