Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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