Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
