is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
