I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
