Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
