grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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