It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
