who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
