My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
