at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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