Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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