This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
