my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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