Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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