im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
