I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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