the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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