I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
