What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
