I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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