My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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