My friends, they love my intelligence
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
