Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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