When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I have post one night stand depression
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