so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
