2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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