Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
