the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
