hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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