I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
