apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
