Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
