PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Is it penis luge time yet?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
