The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Be still, my beating vagina.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
