I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
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If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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