My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
