I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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