That's intense
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
