you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
