I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
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My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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