Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
