wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
