when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
