we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
