he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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