Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I met the friendliest cop last night
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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