she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
40s are totally the cure
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
