the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
