thus making me awesome and them whores
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We don't watch enough power rangers
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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