dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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