That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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