I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
