I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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