only you would photoshop your dick
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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